Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
You Might Also Like
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
to the people who put antlers & a nose on their car for xmas
u cant trick me .. i know its a car
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*