Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
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This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Is my life this bad because I didn’t forward that email to 15 people back in 2007?
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
ME: [picking up the surprise cake for my wife] I guess you could say I’m bringing home the bakin lol
CASHIER: I just can’t believe someone married you.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
I laughed at this way too hard.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.