Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
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i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
It’s time for people to stop being hateful about fat bodies and start being hateful about fat vehicles. I hate SUVs. They look like full diapers squishing down the road, constantly spilling into other lanes. Why do so many people need to drive around in a studio apartment?
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”