Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
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Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
God help the parent* who tries to put a new food on their child’s plate.
*my husband
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Nobody hides better than a good job these days. Can’t find a single one
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.