Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
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I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
That’s classic.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Boss: You’ll never find another job like this
Me: That would be great
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.