Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
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my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
People always use chicken nuggets as an example of unhealthy food parents feed their kids like do they even know how many fruit snacks my kid eats? Chicken nuggets are basically a cleanse for him.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?