Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
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This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
Oh deer
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
How to have a good marriage:
1. Hold hands
2. Cuddle
3. Take out the trash like I have been telling you to do ALL DAY Craig
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.