Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
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When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
A news story said Taylor Swift’s relationship to Travis Kelce was fake.
~me explaining to my boss why I need a personal day
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
I disagree with my politics
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Just say no
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*