Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
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If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
We need to stop telling AI that its paintings are bad. That’s how Hitler got started.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
wearing a condom while she on birth control call that two factor authentication
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
A Short Story.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?