Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
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10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
SF is the wild wild west man
I need to go to jail for about 18 months to catch up on all my reading.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
i’ll see you in court (at the marriage registry) (i love you)
my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
trying to be cute today but my face isn’t cooperating