Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
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If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
Lmbo
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
My teenage niece and nephew refer to everything before the year 2000 as “the 1900’s” and, while technically correct, it still makes me want to slap them.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.