Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
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dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
I got rejected on my very first blind date and I don’t understand why.
My date asked me if I had any pets and I said that I had a goldfish. Any hobbies? I said yes, he likes swimming.
Delete hinge and date that nice man who lives in his van down by the river
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Working with older people is annoying sometimes. Sir, your lunch at my age was Gin. Why you hassling me about adding salad dressing?!
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Most fashion shows these days…
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.