Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.

Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut

“OMG, this is better than sex!”

-Me, snacking during sex

Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.

Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart

I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”

customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it

Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband

Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?

Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis

Priest: that’s not really-

Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”

Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this

*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*

Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.

My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.

My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.

Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.

Welcome to the dark side.
We have….

Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.

do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay

{The Mothburbs}

Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs

I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler

Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING

be careful

a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe

9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?

Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.

It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.

When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”

My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.

Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.

How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?

Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.

Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.