Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
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Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Finally
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
“Don’t you people have jobs?” — Me yelling at everyone for driving around on a Tuesday afternoon while I’m driving around on a Tuesday afternoon.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.