Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
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“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
“You’re so funny!”
Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
what the hell girl, sure
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
WWE is French for “yes”