Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
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I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
I’m surprised to learn very few people wash their undies in the kitchen sink
Anyhow HR wants to have another “chat”
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
Stop making fast and furious movies.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Be vigilant
January is lasting longer than my marriage
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is