Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.

I’m never included in anything.

Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?

Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok

ew if literal: let me be clear

My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.

*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*

‘Sup

If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.

[8 AM]

Me: Time to wake up.

[13 HOURS LATER]

Me: Time to go to bed.

Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.

My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.

Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second

My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix

Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.

Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.

[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney

MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead

ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE

I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.

The holidays are always tough on me….

One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.

Still haunts me.

If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?

You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?

If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂

OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail

Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear

When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.

I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.

An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.

*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*

Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils

Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .

Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.

Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries

CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”

Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”

Remember when double entry was an accounting term?

i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down