Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans

OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!

*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.

And we wonder why America is getting fat.

MATH

Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager

starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.

me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.

me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH

[interview]

Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked

“Why are you naked?”

dammit

the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud

that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker

me: babe watch me flip this omelette!

her: cool

me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!

her: sick!!!

*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*

Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.

Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself

My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.

Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:

Pick up a kid

Unlock a door

Load a rolled rug into your trunk

Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’

Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’

Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day

Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?

Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.

Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man

You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..

Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet

How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?

A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.

[writing Jurassic Park 2]

Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT

Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-

Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN

The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.

I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”

Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*

Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your resume

Me: Street magic

in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle

Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?