Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down

As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..

[on a first date]

Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement

after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.

Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?

“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”

Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one

I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops

I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.

I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.

She’s an animal in bed.

“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.

Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.

trivia

They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.

Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.

Middle age: Hold my beer.

Me: What?

When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.

People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.

My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.

The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.

As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.

Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.

My love language is hissing.

My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.

Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you

My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.

Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.

That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.

[Diner]

Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free

*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*

my 6 year-old: im a police

If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.

My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.

Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.

[first date at a karaoke bar]

Him: you said you had the voice of a siren

Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?

[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this