every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
You Might Also Like
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
I visited one of those so-called “wind farms” recently. Virtually no wind being produced. If anything, it was using up the wind that was already there. Complete waste of time.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,