every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
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VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Hey man, your fly is down. Let me get that for you
(watching Simone Biles do 100 flips) I could do that.. for the right paycheck
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
The worlds greatest neurosurgeon and Dr Derek Shepherd.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”