Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
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2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
this is the kind of friend i am
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I need someone to wring out my brain like a dishrag
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
My fantasy football season is going great
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.