Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
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Meow
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
It is my birthday. 🥳
If you’re American, please vote
If you’re not American, marry me
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.