Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
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A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
A billionaire has built a submersible, saying he wants to prove it’s still safe to visit the Titanic. Somebody tell these guys it wasn’t even safe to be ON the Titanic!
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Just pulled into a DQ drive thru for a blizzard. Dude tells me they’re out or Reese’s. I say no problem not your fault. He dead ass goes “that’s where you’re wrong. I do the ordering and I’ve been slacking.” ☠️ 😂
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Fat chances are my favorite chances
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.