Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
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Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
u guys got any snacks onboard here
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Terribly Tuesday.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
#JohnTravolta
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Love it! 👍😂
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic