Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
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professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
(yawn)
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
🤷♀️
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.