Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
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Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
We’re possibly the most untrustworthy nation due to our inability to control our politeness.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you