Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
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friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.