Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?

Morpheus: Are you going to take the red pill or blue pill?

Me: Which one helps with reflux?

“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”

“Relax, grandma.”

*furiously knits a condom*

“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”

Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.

P L E E Z

T O D A Y

N E E D U

S U I N G ✅

🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶

SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!

INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”

ME: That’s correct.

I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.

M: And?

Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that

I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.

Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.

me *breaking the fourth wall*

architect: oh no

ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube

I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”

RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?

ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*

[at hotel]

Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer

[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]

Me: Yep, nailed her

Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!

Friend: *Nodding* endorphins

Me: No, just whales

roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do

I remember when the only divisive issue in America was whether you were team werewolf guy or team vampire guy. The rhetoric got pretty heated.

I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity

Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.

there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord

If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.

Carry on floating head selfie chick.

My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?

Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*

I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.

I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.

My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.

I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting

How do stick men play fetch with their dog?

I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.