Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
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A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
It’s on my to-do list.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
The A string on my guit_r is flat
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies