Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
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Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
– Hello, Police.
– I need to speak to an officer please. I’ve been accused of chucking something at someone, but it was only a bit of my dessert!
– Just pudding you threw.
– Thanks.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Me to my sister who just gave birth & is recovering from a c-section: “ok so it didn’t really begin to spin out of control until AP published a story saying he did NOT have sex with a couch”
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
How I like cutting carbs
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.
I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.