Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
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I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
hello, boyfriend? it’s me, girlfriend, from dating?
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
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I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
A male goth is called a broth.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
When your parents check you’re ok.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Dogs can’t take cross-sectional X-rays and make three dimensional medical images.
Cats can.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Guilty! 🤪
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.