Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
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“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”
why isn’t he texting back
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Show me on the doll where the sandwich hurt you
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.