Every parent who said “I’ll GIVE you something to cry about” was talking about 2024.
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A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
I’m so glad that I made the right financial decision in 2018 and ditched my $89/mo cable package so that I can now pay $83/mo for YouTube TV, $23/mo for Netflix, $16/mo for Disney+, $13/mo for Paramount, $15/mo for Prime, $10/mo for AppleTV, and $21/mo for HBO
Cab driver earlier asked if I minded listening to some traditional French music. It was lovely until his accordion got wrapped around the steering wheel and we went through a fence.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest