Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.

[at Starbucks]

ME: One large starbuck please.

BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-

ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.

“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”

Friend – Your grammar is horrible.

Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth

4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”

[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”

Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.

It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.

this plan is WAY too aggressive imho

My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.

I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again

Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.

celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave

Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.

Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink

The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”

4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled

I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!

(There is no school this week)

[arriving in hell]

him: so what did you do?

me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea

A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.

My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.

A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.

Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.

Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time

I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.

It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.

Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies

It was my idea to make parking meters unreadable when the sun is out. I don’t get any money out of it, but I’m proud of my contribution.

Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder

If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.

Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?

Me ~ Kerosene…

Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.