Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
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In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
having a therapist is so funny like this is my emotional support 26 year old white girl with a masters degree
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
Today a coworker from another department was talking about her daughter, Haysleigh, and I guess I gave an eyebrow raise because she immediately said “like paisley but agricultural” then spelled it and I felt my soul leave my body
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”