Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
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Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Follow your dreams. Hire a detective to track them down and confront them in a motel parking lot.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
What do you call a lazy crawfish? A slobster.
🤣 I’ve got a million of them.
🤕 Who threw that shoe?
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol