Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
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can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Question: You know how cocky you need to be to put a billboard up for an establishment that is nearly 600 miles away in the opposite direction?
Answer: You need to be Buc-ees-level cocky.
⛽️ 🦫
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Quadruple digit IQ
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.