Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”

Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….

If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.

Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.

husband: aren’t you excited?

me:

husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5

Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.

“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.

cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]

If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.

Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once

Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?

I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”

Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-

hate the questions they ask you when you go through customs. “do you have any friends in canada” no bro and why are you rubbing it in

A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them

He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.

Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.

Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.

I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.

Good things about drinking on the plane:

1. You don’t have to drive.

2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.

Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]

I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.

I’m at the gym and I just saw someone put their water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.

Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.

Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.

Boss: ….?

me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night

bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*

My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.

Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are

I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.

My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*

Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!

How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?

[cloud watching]

GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.

ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.

Bad joke of the day:

What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.

In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.

Boss: Have I made myself clear?

Me: No, I can still see you.

Boss: Shakes head.