Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
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My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Florida man
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
No laws when master is gone
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.