Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.

Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks

If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.

My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re ok

Me when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5

Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.

Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.

I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs

A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.

*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No

Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.

My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.

Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.

My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.

So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.

Your move itches

About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.

BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES

Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..

I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”

Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.

Some only once.

how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it

Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.

Wife: The same four kids?

Me: I’ll be right back.

[phone rings]

me: hello?

NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.

me: [quickly hangs up]

A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.

You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.

As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word

75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.

After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.

I’m writing a story about a guy who goes searching for parts to build a bookcase. It’s a journey of shelf discovery.

…No, YOU shut up.

I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.

[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her

[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.

*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*

Put it all on Grey