Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.

Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”

*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”

Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.

🤪😜

Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.

The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*

One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.

“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.

I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I

[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?

schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!

The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.

Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.

I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.

wake up babe a new reaction meme just dropped

TWITTER: Do you want to see this?

ME: No, never

TWITTER: Ok

ME: Good

TWITTER: You will see this less often

therapist: overthinking

me: you mean predicting the future

My brain at 6am: I’m tired.

My brain at 9am: I’m tired.

My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.

My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.

My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?

Me: I know what you’re thinking. Everyone thinks it’s suspicious that my husbands died of natural causes so early in life
Him: One fell while hiking, one tumbled out of his office window and the other drove his car into the ocean.
Me: Gravity is natural.

What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?

The invention of the 2nd telephone

If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.

pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there

Got him!

I like how whispering makes everything sound sexier.. unless you’re saying something like “Can you pass the last slice of pizza” cause the answer is “no, it’s mine”

Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.

4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂

Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.

guy: you wanna take this outside?

me: yeah, let’s do this

[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]

Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am

If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.

For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.