[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
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Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
PSA: if you are experiencing performance issues in Stardew Valley 1.6, remove all hats from pets. We will address the problem as soon as possible
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
shut up and take my money
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Man sits by me on train.
MAN: Loads of psychopaths around here
ME: Really?
MAN: Loads mate
ME: How’d you know?
MAN: There’s signs aren’t there?
ME: I guess?
MAN: I love them
(47 minutes of awkward silence.)
Man leaves train, he has a bike. I realise he was saying ‘cycle paths’.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Life Hack: Replace your cat’s litter box with an Amazon box. When it’s full just tape it up and put it on your doorstep so someone steals it
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
[dinner party]
GUEST: it has come to my attention that one of us is a secret time traveller.
ME: *tasting wine the waiter brought to the table* mmm, what year is this?
[everyone slowly turns their head]
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
[My first day as an architecture major]
*raises hand*
When are we going to learn how to build gingerbread houses?