Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!

One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby

Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait

Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

I’ve got 99 problems…

<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>

BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.

Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?

Me: Yeah, so?

Him: There’s one small piece left.

Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.

Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!

Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this

[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly

A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time

idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭

I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.

I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.

My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.

I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.

Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then

*swipes right by accident*

Him: You’re not really my type.

Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.

[getting ready for church]

Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.

6-year-old: Okay.

Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.

6: *gets dressed in record time*

Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.

the wife told me that we’re invited to a country themed party so I’m wearing this

Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours

My parents: Cool

My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me

Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.

The one thing I miss about school is never doing my homework.

respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”

Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me

Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.

Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?

Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.

There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s

wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok

THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless

The decibel level of my car singing is not commensurate with my talent