Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
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Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
No. YOU-buprofen.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
You can make friends in a doctor’s waiting room as long as you have something broken and not something coughing
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Have you ever been driving in a different state and then you see a yellow road sign with like squiggles and an incline and you don’t even know what it means but you just know you don’t wanna have to do that?
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
I’m never sure what to do with my hands while I’m holding up a convenience store.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.