Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.

I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms

Schools be like ok it’s the last week and a world fair so bring a dish from a country you’ve never heard of to feed 75 people at 745 am.

Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.

Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs

Judge: And that you killed a man

Me: put a gun against his head

Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead

Judge: mama

Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list

The more you know

[about to have sex]

me: fasten your seatbelt

her: oooh you’re good huh

me: no this is a race car bed

Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time

Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.

I cannot believe all of these people are out!

-Me when I’m out

Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play

8yo: Gotcha, Daddy

Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?

9yo: yes

Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?

9yo: right…

Me: SWEET

9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!

He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.

i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on

i’ve found my new favorite subculture

[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE

The only thing I hate more than answering my phone is checking my voice mail messages

You see my problem here

I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”

“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”

i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions

When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.

Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.

Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab

Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.

[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour

me: do you think he’ll ever walk again

wife: [recording baby’s first steps] yes

I’m never leaving this app.

Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.

[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-L

Me: *your

Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E

i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer

I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back

Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.