Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY

Me: You *just* ate

Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT

I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.

*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”

I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.

– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house

My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.

My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?

Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??

The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.

[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX

I had sex once and once was enough

Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂

married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me

sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes

Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.

Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.

No flush

Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?

4: I taked it out of the trash can.

Me: *eye twitches*

Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.

[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this

What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?

Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.

Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.

I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies

fixed it

My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.

Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.

me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”

Text: CMAO

Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”

That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.

I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.

You spin me right round, baby, right round…

~ my Roomba at night probably