Every photo I’m tagged in
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Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
How do I get a job writing these texts
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Well, this certainly took a turn
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.