Every photo I’m tagged in
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Fun like a LinkedIn notification
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
If I was a chef I’d be chefboyaredont.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
My child: mom! Stop saying you’re old!
Also my child: please don’t break a hip on your run today. You fall down very easily.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.