Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
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If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Sing it!
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…