Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Old people understand Roman numerals. I for one

Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.

this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this

PIGEON KID: I need to go bad

PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue

Wife: this is how monsters are made

Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.

Pooh on Cold Callers:

These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…

MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.

HER: my friend katie is single again

ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up

HER: yes!

[later]

DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!

Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.

I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that

A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.

There’s a doctor here to see you.

Doctor who?

No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.

wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”

Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?

“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”

My camera roll:

this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲

If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.

I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here

Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber

[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re here

me: no

interviewer: very good

I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.

Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.

No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂

*later to thugs* They know too much.

[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]

Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?

Why is every bar trivia host hell bent on asking questions that I can’t the answer? Like I literally know the answers to sooo many questions and I could prove it if only they gave me a goddamn chance

“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer

Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.

[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”

Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.