Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”

– A Novel About Living with Small Children

There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.

Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!

Nurse: what’s her name?

Me: well we both love Kit Kats

Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?

Me: meet Wafer

I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.

I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college

Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight

*as soon as I relax*

-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!

Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing

Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.

This woman is my idol. Free her.

ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please

WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?

ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate

As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.

I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals

Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult

So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?

Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint

I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.

Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.

It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.

So I got her a bag of peas.

Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.

[Watching an educational show]

[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]

Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.

[5 minutes later]

3: Why doesn’t he hop?

Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ

Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”

Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!

The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra

Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.

Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?

Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.

Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.

I want a job waking people up that I dislike.

Or I guess I could just get married

Every photo I’m tagged in