Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”

me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?

6: no

me:

da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer

To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.

High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.

College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.

if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed

My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.

Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance

I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.

me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year

5:

me:

5: my brother lets me play with his

Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus

HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.

“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.

Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.

Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.

CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…

Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP

I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”

*Someone messages me*

I hope your well

And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?

HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?

Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again

bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!

[everyone freezes]

bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet

Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!

Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?

The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess

[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?

STUDENT: great, I grew a foot

TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?

After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever

~Women

If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed

(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”

Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.

me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you

sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me

Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.

Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.

My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.

Me:

Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.