every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
When I was a kid I thought Original Sin meant that everyone had one weird sin they did in their life that no one else had done before and you had to work out what it was
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
