Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
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Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
I had to bump up my 10am Rice Krispie treat to 9:30. It’s okay. I have a prescription.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
just gave your address to some spiders