Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂

When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace

me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-

sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet

[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky

I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend

9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!

Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?

9: It matters for two minutes.

All the stores are selling sexy women’s Santa lingerie because, as it turns out, a lot of dudes, and I mean A LOT, have a thing for Santa Claus.

All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?

Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?

AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!

ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.

AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.

Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?

when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:

I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.

Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.

My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.

I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.

ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery

If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.

When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.

I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.

Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure

Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?

Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*

Flex on your dentist by asking if they’re free on a random Tuesday 6 months from now

Me: What music you into?

Date: I love hip hop

Me: Yeah me too

[thinking of something to say to impress her]

Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin

[blind date]

HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic

ME: Vincent van…go on

AWWWW 😍

This is way better than “Live, Laugh, Love.”

me: i love pillow talk

pillow: hello

me: what the hell

There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.

Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.

Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.