Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
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I finally found a reason to live again.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Best gender moment of the day is my professor normally calls on students by pointing to them and saying “lady” or “gentleman”. When he got to me, his face spasmed in confusion and then he said “you”
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
I see the Chancellor has raised passenger duty on private planes by a whopping 50%? Those multi billionaires are going to have to stop buying avocados and going to Starbucks.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
And now begins the yearly tradition of writing the incorrect year on everything, for the next 3 months.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
“you gotta put yourself out there” I declare confidently as I remove my pants on the bus