Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids

I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.

Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas

[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?

ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”

Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.

*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*

My garden backs on to railways. About 10 years ago the fences were falling down, complained to network rail who did nothing. In the end, the whole bit of our street got together and put up new fence ourselves. 30 feet back into their land. They’ve never noticed.

I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.

Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.

me: how was your day

5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!

Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?

Me: *hands cash*

if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel

there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee

I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.

*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*

This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

All dates are ‘blind dates.’

The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.

At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?

I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.

HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!

UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo

When libraries troll their patrons.

Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it

If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.

*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*

Be Careful Driving

#BostonBlizzard2015

What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?

One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….

Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?

Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.

Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”