Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
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You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
i really like this french girl on tiktok the only thing she does is post these videos of her trying to pronounce english words and idk she is just such a diva i love her
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice
I guess I live down here now
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
I enjoy a good horror movie before bed so I can be POSITIVE there is a demon in my closet waiting to possess me.