Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7yo: Ewwww. Why are you playing that music? The 90s are gross.

Also 7yo: Check out this new cool song I found from Nsync. It’s my favorite, and you are gonna love it, bro.

[alternate universe]

teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes

student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today

Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.

It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.

(No offense, Andrea.)

My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.

What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?

Me: I’m a programmer.

Person 1: “make my website pls”

Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”

Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”

Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”

Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”

Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.

Narrator: There was no narrator.

Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.

I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x

boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?

me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve

I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.

I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.

doctor: can you describe the pain?

me: i have a knife sticking into me

doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain

me: sharp

doctor: like a knife?

me: yes, exactly that

doctor: *proudly* its my first day

[inventing oatmeal]

make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries

What is going on here?

Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?

Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.

I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator

[stabbing you with a knife]

I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.

Me – Actually goes for a walk

FitBit – You OK?

*gets into trouble*

Trouble: Wrong hole.

Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.

I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.

Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.

“Next house. This one’s been done already.”

I can’t stand fake people.

Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.

Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.

“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”

– Me, camping

DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that

*email from Amazon*

Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE

Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE

Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE

We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE

therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no

New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need

Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this

Helpful police officer reminded me he’s the one asking the questions.