Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
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*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
A roof is a house hat.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
No chill.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.