My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
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Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice