Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
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Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”
Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
had my yearly physical and the dr signed me up for flu & covid vaccine and i had to tell her no & explain i am not an antivaxer i just always get my covid shot the night before the phillies have an afternoon playoff game so i can use my vaccine pto to stay home from work to watch
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Got kicked out of reincarnation club for yelling yolo
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.