Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
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HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Me buying fruit and veg
WHAT????? IS HAPPENING WITH THESE NEW SPAM BOTS
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
I’ve decided that I need to eat more vegetables, so I’m gonna make a carrot cake later.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
*pokes sex life with a stick
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way