Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: you’re a dog.

Dog: nice!

God: the humans are gonna love you.

Dog: why?

God: well you have a lot in common.

Dog: really? do they have updog too?

God: what’s updog?

Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.

God: yep you’re just like them.

Dog: [tail wag].

My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.

*hears your text message notification beep*

*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*

Local community Facebook pages are like:

“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”

Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.

Fact: In the U.K., many Air Traffic Controllers don’t work in airports, but in buildings miles away. Whereas in France, most Air Traffic Controllers don’t work at all.

Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.

grandpa was shocked

[blood donor clinic]

dracula: can i order a pint please?

Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.

[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”

[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5

I’m a new werewolf and I have questions

-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods

#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.

my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades

Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.

I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.

me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes

optometrist: again, please hold still

ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?

WIFE: Inverted?

ME: No, in English Sharon.

Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.

8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.

Me: You’re holding nunchucks.

8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.

– First day of College
– Dorm meeting

Dorm monitor: Any questions guys?

Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??

FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.

two weeks ago a friend was telling me about how they were sad because they hosted a cookout and invited “all their friends” but no one came and i just had to sit there and smile and nod as they sadly told me about this cookout that, incidentally, they did not invite me to

shakespeare: murder most foul…

goose: what the duck did you just say?!

Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups

6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.

Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.

“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome

I saw my son go quietly into his bedroom with a broom and dustpan. It’s taken me awhile to learn this, but I now know that there are some questions best left unasked.

step 6: release the wall snake

Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents

Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?