every raccoon you see is currently on parole
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If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows