every raccoon you see is currently on parole
You Might Also Like
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
*launders Kohls cash*
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
My nephew had an upset stomach for a few days. Once he felt better, he said that when he grew up he would invent a medication that would make diarrhea instantly gone and he’d call it gone-a-rhea and we grownups were like nahhh buddy that name is kinda already taken.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
I wonder if any student will ever top this email.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.