every raccoon you see is currently on parole
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Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
My only real regret in life is not pretending to be a shark in a heavily populated swimming area. But there’s still time.
Mummies are basically just zombie burritos.
Guys can we please civil war somewhere with shade? It’s really hot and some people want to bring their dogs
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
a lady was like “can you believe he’s 14 months old already” and i am like you know what i can cause you post a pic of him every single day
To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present – They are due back at the library tomorrow.