every raccoon you see is currently on parole

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My only real regret in life is not pretending to be a shark in a heavily populated swimming area. But there’s still time.


Guys can we please civil war somewhere with shade? It’s really hot and some people want to bring their dogs


[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.


me: i need answers

smashmouth guy: please i have a family

me: [tasing him again] who told you?

smashmouth guy: aaagh

me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me

smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY


The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.


a lady was like “can you believe he’s 14 months old already” and i am like you know what i can cause you post a pic of him every single day


To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present – They are due back at the library tomorrow.