every raccoon you see is currently on parole
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ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Good morning.