Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
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Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
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6 YEAR OLD: how hard do you have to punch someone in the butt to make it fall off?
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
I have always been pro people but my god you f***ers have ground me down.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Hate when the person sitting next to me on the subway notices me shamelessly reading their texts and starts tilting it out of my view like c’mon lemme have a lil read it’s just me c’mon who am I gonna tell it’s only me
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work