Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
You Might Also Like
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
“Some men go months without being hugged.” Ok then they should hug each other.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
Taylor Swift on shuffle is like “You turned me into an inside-out monster I’ll kill you if you don’t kill me first” and then four minutes later “just kidding I am a cowgirl who is eleven.”
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
The three genders
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information