Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
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[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Wife: Don’t leave knives out near the kitchen door. What if a burglar broke in and used it?
Me *patiently explains why this is ridiculous*[later]
Me *being stabbed to death by burglar using our kitchen knife* “please dont! Use something else! Anything else!”
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
[exiting the voting booth with a little cup of urine] does anybody know who I give this too?
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
