Every reddit post is like “I’m sure this is totally normal, but my husband has cut off my head.”
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Make your daily standup meeting shorter
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
No flush
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Get kittens they said… at least then you’ll know why you’re wide awake at 3am every night
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.