Every reddit post is like “I’m sure this is totally normal, but my husband has cut off my head.”
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Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
Don’t make me out nice you.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
jfc Caroline my wife almost saw this
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Chaos ensues as I try to stop my 3yo from falling off the couch. My 5yo runs into the room and screams bloody murder. She stops and goes:
“Sorry. I didn’t know what was going on, so I just started screaming”
And it’s like, indeed, my little love; you’ve just described Twitter
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there