Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
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Stop it! 😂
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”