Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
You Might Also Like
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible