Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
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My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
My mail carrier dressed up as a dog with a postman biting his leg is the best thing I’ve seen today.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
Are you having a good day? Or did you wear lip gloss on a windy day?
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶