Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: my father fought in the war

her: which one?

me: I’ve only got one dad

I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.

When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.

“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.

Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?

Paid. Gamer. Leave.

Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).

The rest of the world should fear our military.

We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.

Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?

Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?

Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.

i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea

Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman

I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.

My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.

I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.

I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.

Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥

[at checkout counter]

Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no

There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil

Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.

Dear Samsung,

please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.

Homeschooling update day 3:

Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*

I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”

Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man

[laying on top of me]

4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.

me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting

me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now

I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.

I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.

a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people

I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.

[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*

HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*

ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*

3yo: Wipe me!

Me: What did you do?

3: Only pee and poop.

Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]