Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
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If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
I like to win arguments by backing over the other person with my car
Scientists discover surface of Mars boring af
Kid #1: “I’m scared of monsters.”
*spend 45 minutes hugging & comforting child*
Kid #6:”I’m scared of monsters.”
Me: “Eh, the cat’ll get them. G’night!”
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Told the assistant at the eye doctor’s I thought my eyes got worse, but they haven’t. My glasses were dirty.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
wtf is a larm clock?
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.