Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
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avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
Seems legit
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
A wise man once said nothing.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.