Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso

If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future

I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.

Me: OK now i need fresh fruit

Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.

Me: No fresh fruit

Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.

Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip

All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.

Not to brag, but in school I was voted “Most Likely to Cling to Past Achievements”

[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”

my lawyer: deny everything

me: no

[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)

playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”

For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.

#topahole

I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.

is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants

I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan

My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy

{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you

[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra

Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.

Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.

doctor: why do you think you need this medication?

me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome

After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.

They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope

[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?

just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now

Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?

Traveler’s camo

When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.

My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.

If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing

This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am